


Hope

by embersandturquoise



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Addiction, Anger, Angst, Charles Xavier Loves Erik Lehnsherr, Charles Xavier Needs a Hug, Charles Xavier addicted, Charles Xavier in a Wheelchair, Charles is acting not very nice, Charles is tense, Drug Abuse, Erik Lehnsherr Loves Charles Xavier, F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, James Mcavoy - Freeform, Michael Fassbender - Freeform, Mind Manipulation, Mindfuck, Nicholas Hoult - Freeform, Oral Sex, Pain, Rage, References to Drugs, Sex, Shameless Smut, Smut, Withdrawal, X-Men Days of Future Past - Freeform, days of future past, xavier mansion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:41:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28027185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embersandturquoise/pseuds/embersandturquoise
Summary: A young scientist joins Hank McCoy in his attempt to help Charles Xavier finally withdrawing from the serum.Charles and the woman fall in love.Charles gives her a hard time liking him, but he can be sexy as hell.Trigger warning:Withdrawal, use of alcohol, use of drugs, Charles sometimes acts very manipulative.Lots of plot, some smut in between.Enjoy :*
Relationships: Charles Xavier/OFC
Kudos: 8





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> As always, enjoy reading and every single kudo and comment is highly appreciated.  
> This has been lying around for a long time, before I decided to put it up.  
> It´s a long story and is has been among my first on James McAvoy (and characters of him, which I wasn´t sure at that time, if I could do it or not).
> 
> I don´t own anyone or anything in this but typos ;)

Arrival

She was truly excited to see him again. He had been kind of her university crush. Okay, he had in fact been nearly every girl´s crush at university. He had just been... admirable, witty, attractive, with a good sense of humour, he was a delicious sight all in all and whoever he was talking with, he made you feel like you were the only person existing in this moment at this place – for him. She had fantasized a lot about him; they had joined a workgroup once during genetics class and she remembered how the whole room seemed to vibrate with energy. Charles Xavier really was one with charisma that could take your breath away.

Now she stood at the doorsteps, her heart beating fast. She wondered if he would remember her at all.

The grass and the surroundings looked scruffy, flowers rotting, ivy was growing rampant over the walls of the huge building. Maybe someone should take care of this park, it really was a waste of this beautiful piece of landscape. It really did not look inviting, nothing here, keyholes rusty, the wooden door decayed... she wondered what would await her inside.

She looked around suspiciously and raised her hand to knock at the door. There was no answer.

She waited and wondered. Had she mixed up something? Date or time of their appointment? No, she was sure she was here at the right time and place.

Suddenly the door opened from itself. It gave a screeching sound.

“WHAT???”

A hoarse, angry voice shouted from somewhere above, but she could not make out anyone. She pushed the door open further and entered into the dark hallway. It smelled odd and it was so dimly lit, that she feared she would fall over something. She cautiously moved forward, there were cobwebs along the stairs. The impression she got was the same she had already had outside: Seemingly no one took care of anything anymore here.

There was noise from above again. Rumbling, voices, someone shouting indecent things.

Suddenly she heard hurried footsteps approaching from the left. A young man appeared. He did not look any day older than twenty-five, wore black-rimmed glasses, his clothing style was quite a mix of colours.

“Hi. Hello. I´m Hank McCoy, we´ve spoken on the telephone. You must be Dr. Feagan.”

She nodded.

“Jocelyn. Hi.”

There were sounds from above again. Hank shivered uncomfortably.

“Let´s discuss the details in the office. Follow me, please.”

She took a last look over her shoulder, wondering about the rumbling sounds. Maybe someone was repairing a cupboard or something.

As they reached the office, Hank supplied her with a stack of papers, a contract and some other documents, then he looked at the chair behind the office desk, before he rather unwillingly sat down there. The sign at the desk read “Charles Xavier – Head Master”.

Jocelyn was looking through the papers and stumbled upon some paragraphs.

“I thought I was supposed to do scientific research, correct his essays or something like that...?”

Hank nodded and cleared his throat.

“Yes, that´s in it. If there were any to correct...”

He laughed nervously.

“I guess I better shall tell you this; Charles is having a hard time unfortunately...”

He paused and looked her up and down as if pondering if she was the right person to tell.

“See – we´re just us two guys here. And we could need – some help with... phew... how to say – organizational issues, structure – yes, structure would be great indeed.”

“You don´t want me to cook or clean the house, do you?”

That was not what she had imagined. She was a research scientist so what was that all about now?

“No! No... not at all. Maybe get Charles a cup of tea from time to time. Better than his usual selection of drinks... but what he really needs is company, he is really not in a good mood.”

She wrinkled her forehead, this sounded weird. She gulped and decided to give it a try. At least Hank seemed to be a nice guy. And she hadn´t even met Charles yet, that had been the one thing she had come here for in first line.

“Okay then... I´ll go and bring Charles here, so you can... discuss further... arrangements.”

Hank stood up, threw her again a very uncomfortable look, not to say apologizing and left the office.

Some minutes later she heard a slightly familiar voice – Charles! Her heart started to pound wildly and she suddenly felt dumb; that had been years ago, she was a grown-up woman now. He sounded upset, talked very loud but unclear, she could only catch a few scraps of words:

“... don´t need... fuck off... what help...”

Uuuh, that sounded promising...

The door opened and there he was. She nearly stumbled over her own legs as she raised, then she looked at him – and was shook.

Charles scuffed in, shoulders low, dark shadows under the former piercing blue eyes. His lips were still plush and pinkish, but dry. His tongue was ghosting over his lower lip rather hastily. He reminded her of a deer in a cage, restless, wild, unsteady – everything in his posture spoke of being trapped, she could feel anger and resentment around him. His eyes had lost their charms, were rather light and dull, red-rimmed from misuse of alcohol maybe, less sleep, whatever... His hair hung over his neck rather messy and looked if unkempt for ages, his skin was paler than ever. He wore a long bathrobe over turquoise trousers and nothing but an undershirt. That man had nothing to do with the charm-spreading, always well-dressed and well-mannered guy who had been at university with her.

Now he had spotted her and looked at her – unfriendly would have been a nice expression. He was clearly in no way agreeing to whatever Hank´s idea of her job was. At least he made step towards her and held out his hand. Maybe he had not forgotten everything.

“Charles. Have we met before?”

He eyed her suspiciously and wrinkled his forehead.

“Erm... yes. We were together in genetics. At university.”

They shook hands.

“Phew... lifetime ago. Can´t remember a lot. What´s your name then?”

“Jocelyn Feagan.”

Uuuh, he would not be easy to deal with. She exchanged looks with Hank, who just raised his shoulders and threw her a rather pleading look.

“Aha. So... Hank already informed you about his – plans... for me?”

She stammered.

“We... uhm... plans... I guess I shall read your excerpts and correct them and what else...?”

She looked at Hank, asking for help silently. Charles wrinkled his nose in rejection, then let himself sink onto the light blue sofa. Poured himself a glass of the brownish liquid from the tall carafe on the sofa table. Must be whisky. She got a clearer picture now what Hank had meant with “is not in a good condition”.

Something must have happened, something serious that had turned the adorable sweetheart she knew into... this man.

Charles tapped on the sofa.

“Sit here. Let´s talk. You could tell me something about yourself first.”

She hesitantly sat down beside him. Those eyes... she remembered how just one look from him had got women collapsed in a row (imaginative speaking) but now... his voice also seemed to have changed, he sounded husky, rough, sore... Suddenly she felt for him and at that point she was in for the job.

“So, what do you think?”

Hank watched her desperately; she could truly understand he no longer could and wanted to shoulder this responsibility alone. Somebody needed to take care of Charles. She breathed out thoroughly.

“It will get tough I guess. But I´m in. He will need a lot more than just company. What is it he takes?”

Hank looked at her surprised.

“Don´t look at me that way. It´s obvious. Even for people who have never dealt with addicts. So, if you want me to help I need to know details.”

Hank gulped and they sat down again. He closed the door and hoped Charles would be somewhere in his own chambers upstairs. Then he told her the whole story, starting on a beach in Cuba in 1962.


	2. Library

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles seems to at last remember Jocelyn. A meeting in the library ends in an embaressing way.

Library

The first days were both boring and exhausting in a way. Jocelyn did not see much of Charles; she was busy with organizing his study and helping Hank with more general issues regarding the re-opening of the school. When Charles appeared he was not in a mood to communicate very much. Apart from their talk on the first day at that sofa he had not quite said more than “Hello.” or “Thank you.” to her. At least he did that, she thought. He always eyed her suspiciously and she really felt wrong to be here, at his place; it was very clear he did not want her here.

She was just checking the school´s library for books that might not be of use any longer, reading through registers and sorts of this.

“There we are.”

Charles walked in, his steps slow and again (or still?) he wore this hilarious bathrobe. She wondered if he ever took it off or if he went to sleep like that, too.

“Good morning, Charles.”

“Don´t know if it´s a good one, but at least I had a nice dream.”

She heard him laugh, it sounded inappropriate but vibrated through her whole body. Nice – he would not talk to her about his wet dreams now, she hoped. Hank had already warned her, he could get quite nasty at this stage. She checked her watch; yes, he would need his serum in about an hour. Or had he injected it himself already?

She looked over her shoulder. Charles had set himself onto the sofa, a drink in his right hand, left hand on his thighs. He looked at her from dark-shadowed eyes.

“I guess I remember you now.”

What? Jocelyn froze for a moment. His looks gave her chills.

“Mmh... there was that campfire in third year.”

Oh no... he really did remember it. She felt heat flaming up her cheeks, she could barely look at him. She tried to look very involved with a certain book called “Mutants throughout history”.

“Come here.”

Charles´ voice had changed. She turned and realized how this and the way he looked her up and down set fires onto her body. Oh no... he could still do that.

“Come over... sit here.”

She laid the book aside and did as he wished. Sat beside him. Now she could nearly feel him breathe. He was laying back, so seductively, sipped at his drink and moved his hips up and down in ways she found – inappropriate. She did not know where to look. She knew if she stayed here longer this would lead to... something.

“You can truly be glad this doesn´t work.”

Charles tipped his head. Yes, she was sure, he could have read her mind. But he couldn´t as long as he took the serum. He put his glass back onto the table.

“Charles...”

she began.

“We really need to talk about... your medicine.”

He laughed.

“Sweet. Medicine she calls it. You know what; I am one for calling things by their name. My serum you mean. Or my drug, to be more accurate.”

“The serum, right. You´re taking too much.”

“Pfff... as if I didn´t know. Tell me something new.”

“Ah, come on, Charles! I obviously can´t. This is the truth. And it´s not that anyone wants to control you. We just want you to be sane. We want... we care for you, can´t you see it? Don´t you really understand?”

Charles made an indistinct sound and pushed an imaginary dust flake from his legs. But he raised an eyebrow and she could feel she had touched something inside of him. Just a tiny bit knowing she was right. But he was hiding those pieces so deep and with such vehemence, it was hard to get there at all. She felt it was a lost cause.

“So... we? Hank and you, ha? We... You two and poor Charles. Nice...”

She let her hands sink in despair. He was not in any way open to just think about it.

“I´ll tell you what: I just remembered that party. And what you did there...”

Ah shit, now he was there again. He shook his head, a devilish grin along his lips now.

“I watched you, did you know?”

What? Now she was fluttered. And aroused in a way. She had always wished for him to see her and when he did exactly that back then, she did not recognize it? Charles licked his lips.

“Mmmh...”

He moved his hand over his crotch and slowly opened his pants.

“What? Charles... what are you doing?”

He looked at her intensely; so many emotions mirrored in his still beautiful eyes.

“What does it look like?”

He took her hand and without further ado dragged her into his pants and groaned. Then he moved closer, his voice just a whisper now, hoarse and low:

“I´m so hard. Get me off!”

She gasped. From arousal and disbelief all the same. She could feel him hot and throbbing under her hand, he indeed had the guts to move himself into her hand.

“Charles! Really? Here?”

“Ah, come on. Stop talking. Wank me, I need it so bad.”

She would, but she couldn´t. Not like this. Not now. Here. He was not... that was not the way she wanted to do... anything with him. But still... – no. She pulled back her hand and shook her head.

“No. Really, Charles... I can´t. Not like this.”

She stood up and looked at him, feeling dumb and sad somehow. Maybe that was it then.

Charles shook his head, he laughed at her but she could see the anger in his eyes... the pain...

“Okay. Just go. I´ll do it myself then.”

And he really did. She stared at him in disbelief but he didn´t care. He let his head fall back, eyes shut, then closed his fist around him down there and started to move his hand frantically. She felt tears rise and walked out. Closed the door. Hoped Hank would not find him like this.


	3. Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short transition chapter. Hank and Jocelyn discuss Charles and his behaviour.

Kitchen

“You know what he is doing?”

Hank watched her closely.

“Making me feel like a complete idiot. Stupid.”

Hank snorted.

“That´s the way it feels, yeah. Have that myself somedays. No, that´s not what I meant...”

Jocelyn sighed deeply. She felt she was about to cry.

“He just pushes me away. No way to get any deeper, there´s so much anger in him. Or he... comes close in ways I just can´t take...”

She gulped, she had not told anyone what had happened in the library that day. Hank poured some more tea into their cups.

“He behaves at his worst. He is... let´s say the worst version of himself. Provoking, acting like...”

“... an asshole? Yes thank you, these were the words I was looking for.”

“Exactly. That´s what I meant. But you know what? He does it on purpose. He wants your reaction. Wants to know if you can love him like that...”

She let her cup sink. Hand looked around embarrassed.

“Uhm... love, like, accept... you know what I mean. Sorry I am truly overworked today.”

Jocelyn looked at him completely overwhelmed. He had given her something to think now.


	4. Later - Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jocelyn wants to take a bath.  
> Charles tumbles in, searching for the serum.  
> Things heat up.
> 
> Smut, finally.

Later – Bathroom

Jocelyn could still not believe she had done it. Moved in. Owned her own study at Xavier Manor now. Had her own bathroom. And what a treat that was.

She let her body sink deep into the depths of the tub. She had taken lots of foam and it felt just like melting into a cosy, warm embrace.

Charles was a real challenge these days. She could really need a holiday or just a few days off. Sometimes it was just too much, he was always in an extreme; either pushing her away – and he could do that in many, even subtle ways – or being a complete needy person, very sweet but still so clingy and exhausting. And you never knew which mood he was in, it could change very fast. He still refused to reduce his serum. The span of time in between shots was getting fewer by the weeks passing, she would even say by days. She really was of no use, somedays she felt truly incapable of taking it. But still...

She needed to free her head, she dived under, drowned herself completely into the warm water and for some moments there was peace. She felt and heard nothing but the pressure from the water around her. She just enjoyed the silence for some moments, then she spluttering emerged back onto the surface again.

There were chattering sounds, a crash and glass rattling. Somebody was in the room.

“Fuck! Where´s the fucking shit? Aaaaagh!”

Gods, he did not really... Had she not locked the door? Obviously not. Or maybe he had keys to every room, surely he had. But he would not... She raised her head cautiously over the edge of the tub to see it was really Charles. He was trembling, eyes furious and he had crashed the medicinal closet, there were shards all over the floor. And he was sitting in between them, searching for something, searching the bottles. She hoped he would not hurt himself with all this sharp glass around him. And who would clean that mess afterwards? Jocelyn sighed.

He was cursing now, had a syringe at the ready, but could not find the serum.

“It´s in the other closet, over the washbasin. Left side, upper tray.”

What was she doing here? She shook her head. Helping him to get his shot.

Charles looked up with that wild stare, his eyes reddish and so dull, he clearly needed a shot or else he would do harm to himself or others. She had to gulp and watched him with tears in her eyes. He had found the bottle and soaked the serum into the syringe, then injected the needle into one of his overly strained veins. He let out a sigh of relieve and sank down at the wall, eyes closed. She saw his muscles relax, his face lighten up and he was finally able to breathe deep and slowly. It both broke her heart and made her relax at the same time. For the moment...

Charles opened his eyes and looked around. Realized that she was there, too. He pushed himself up onto his feet again, legs still shaking and raised his eyebrows.

“Bath...yes. That´s a good idea.”

And with that being said he pulled his clothes off.

“Erm... Charles?”

He didn´t seem to care. He grinned at her and she looked away as he took his pants off. Then, with two fast steps he was there and stepped into the bathtub without further ado. Let himself sink into the water opposite her. She tightened her legs to her further more and sank a bit deeper, thanking herself silently she did use so much foam. She still looked at him in disbelief.

“You can´t really do that, Charles.”

He looked at her, forehead wrinkled, smiling and now there was a glimpse of his younger self to be seen in his eyes...

“I´m obviously already in. Aaaah, feels heavenly. Did Hank give this bathroom to you?”

“Yes. Who else? Obviously you are not the one to discuss matters like this with.”

He sighed deeply.

“Ah... Right.”

Strange enough, she did not really feel uncomfortable. She tried to hide under the foam as good as possible and she would find a way that he would leave the tub before her, but somehow it was a quite nice atmosphere between them – apart from being naked, which was still... weird.

His eyes were clearer again, gone was the reddish shimmer, but still; the serum would affect him negatively in so many ways, on a long term view.

“Charles, you really need to...”

“Oh, don´t you preach again. I can´t stand it anymore. I can´t. I told you often enough now. I´m just a fucking addict and no one can really stand me when I´m like this, without the serum. You said it yourself... you can´t bear to be near me when the effects loosen up.”

“Come on, Charles. I´ve not even experienced you being sober once since I´m here.”

Now she was upset. And she was still trying to hide her body under the foam, not to move too much, which was not that easy with him fidgeting around at his side.

“Don´t discuss with me, Joss. I won´t do it anyway. End of story.”

He sat straighter, looked into her eyes and there it was – that seductive look, the old Charles returning. She recognized how colour had turned back onto his cheeks, drops of water were running over his neck, down to his shoulder, chest... She couldn´t avoid to let out a loud sigh.

Suddenly he was very close, she felt his body touch hers underneath the waterline.

“You could just relax and enjoy this.”

“Really, Charles...”

She knew what he was up to. But this time it felt different. And as far as she was concerned she already wanted him on that sofa, just the way he acted back then... She eyed him suspiciously. There was warmth in his eyes now, his smile was inviting.

“Come on...”

He took her hands into his under water and then he kissed her and this time she did not withdraw. She opened up to his lips and this was just the sweetest bliss. Just soft touching; wet and warm lips exploring each other. She sighed when they parted and somehow managed to turn herself around, and she leaned herself into his arms, skin to skin and she closed her eyes because it felt just so good. Charles enfolded her into a warm embrace and for the first time since she arrived she felt alright. She let her mind wander and just enjoyed his warm skin around her.

Suddenly Charles interrupted her thoughts.

“I know you´re trying your best. And it´s not your fault it´s not working. This is about me. It´s me who won´t take this decision. I just... I just lost so much.”

She sighed and laid her hands over his, turning her head just a bit to see tears in his eyes.

“I just... can´t. Not now.”

“Hm... okay. Meaning, it´s not okay. But I won´t push you anymore. I guess you´ll need to take those steps on your own. Whenever you´re ready. Just know... I´m here. I´m here whenever you need someone. To talk or... whatever.”

Yes, it would indeed be a first step if he would open up, if he talked about all that had happened, about his feelings. Would get hard, she knew. And difficult.

“Thank you.”

He really meant it. For the first time. He brought his face close to hers and now she couldn´t take it anymore. She kissed him, and he answered back, slowly and tenderly and she could feel his body react. Charles moaned just a tiny bit and laughed, his lips were around her neck now.

“You know... I won´t be able to do – things... anymore. If I stop taking the serum, this won´t work.”

What to say? He very likely was right. She really couldn´t say. She gulped.

“Then... we should better do it right now, hm?”

“Uhm...?”

What now? Was he shy? Why? She laughed.

“Erm, that was you in the library a few weeks ago, you remember? And it was you, stepping into this bathtub.”

She suddenly stopped. Maybe he really did not have second thoughts, when he came here.

“Look, I´m really sorry for what happened in the library. Was... just not okay. I´m so sorry.”

“Thank you. Forgiven. Do you... want... shall we go on or not?”

He chuckled and there was that wrinkled forehead again. He appeared a lot more like the Charles she had known at university.

“Are we a bit impatient?”

“Wouldn´t call it impatient if I have been waiting for this ten years or more...”

His eyes widened.

“Really? So then it should really be... wow. Maybe I should take you out on a date first? Meaning, a real date like dinner or going for a stroll, see a film or whatever you´d like to do.”

She smiled and turned around.

“Charles, I would really love to do all that with you. But I guess we´re mature enough to be okay with having sex before all the other things.”

He giggled and she could feel something twitch against her leg. She finally turned completely and sat on his lap.

“Oh man...”

He moaned deeply now and pulled her into a thorough kiss, and then his hands were all over her and their kisses became boisterous in an instant. Their groins finally met and she felt him move into her, slowly... very slowly and he panted already. She was close herself, arousal had come from one moment to the next. She buried her head onto his neck and kissed him there and they began to slowly move until none of them could have it no more and he groaned and thrusted harder and she felt the sensation rise from around the middle of her body and he pulled her close again... She felt his lips, his tongue, his everything and then – they came.


	5. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Charles takes the decision to withdraw from the serum.  
> Jocelyn and Charles have one last evening left with him being able to use - his body.  
> Mindgames...  
> Sex...  
> Charles clearly taking control.

Decisions

Charles was working on an essay in his study. Jocelyn left him alone for some break, decided to fetch another pot of tea. As always around this time, Hank was in the kitchen, too. 

“He´s working?”

She nodded.

“Wow! Don´t want to shout out a new century, but... I have the slightest feeling he´s better.”

“Yeah, he´s getting there. Haven´t seen him with a drink during the last days. Uhm, Hank, could you do me a favour? I really think it would be best to have no whisky around at all or other alcohol. You know... You don´t drink yourself, do you?”

Hank shook his head.

“The last drink I had... pfff... must have been years ago. I really think it was on that first evening... when we gave ourselves those X-men-names. That was when we all met for the first time in Langley.”

“Where are all those guys now? Maybe it would be a nice idea to meet again. For Charles? What do you think?”

“Hm... maybe yes. But most of them are gone. I really don´t have a clue. Just Erik... sure we know, where he is. Never heard of the others again.”

Yeah well, she knew about Erik... and Raven...

“I´ll try to talk to him. When he´s got a good moment.”

Hank took a sip from his cup of tea and clapped his hands.

“He´s having more of them day by day. Thanks to you.”

“I had the same feeling, but talking is still hard... not to say impossible.”

And she wasn´t a therapist, he would indeed need professional help, to be honest. But sometimes friends were a much better choice.

They had indeed been on a date in the meantime and Charles often stayed overnight at her chamber. And he was a real sweetheart, picked her flowers from the garden, very romantic. They had begun to tidy up the flowerbeds, trying to get them back into bloom. The park around the manor was so widespread they hadn´t even to go somewhere else; she always had the feeling they were on a holiday when they took a stroll between all those wonderful big trees.

Later that afternoon she was walking with Charles in the park. The sun was shining and it was a warm spring day. For now she was just content to be here with him, holding hands, chatting and giggling like lovestruck teenagers. But still...

They sat down under one of the willow trees, all green around them, sweet air around them, it all felt too good. But still...

Charles eyed her from the side.

“Joss? You´re thinking too hard.”

“Hm?”

She frowned and looked at him questioningly.

“No.”

He shook his head.

“It´s not coming back. But I can literally see you thinking. Looking so serious. You worry too much, love.”

Yes, in a way that was just her, always in grave thoughts, just a character thing.

“I do so. And it seems you worry too less.”

“Ouch...”

She cautiously searched his eyes but he still looked at her lovingly. So maybe now was a good moment... He sighed deeply.

“You´re right. I try to keep my worries away. Doesn´t work very well, to be true. But sometimes it´s easier. Not to think about everything.”

“Yes – sometimes. I wish I had that. Or at least more of that. Lighten up, taking things easy...”

Charles had his arm around her shoulders now and she cuddled herself into his embrace.

“I recognized you did not drink a lot during those last days.”

she said slowly.

“Yes... I didn´t drink at all. And I start to feel better. But that´s not the real challenge, you know. I thought a lot actually. About... getting better. I really want to be a better man. I want this – I want that it works... with us, I mean.”

There were tears in his eyes now. He panted lightly, she could feel how hard it was for him talking about this. She squeezed his hand gently and waited. Just waited...

“So... I think... No, I know... I want to try... phew...but I won´t be like this for some time. I will be a nuisance, I will... I just need you to be here. I just need you with me throughout this.”

Now it was too much. He was crying and she just held him in her arms, rocking him softly, just letting him cry.

“I know. I know it´ll get tough, Charles. But I´m here. I promise. I will be here with you.”

He nodded. Sobbed some more; and it took him a good amount of time to calm down again and then they went back in.

“So, what is your idea, Charles? Of waiving the serum?”

They sat in the kitchen again, all three of them. Charles and Hank looked at her, not knowing exactly what to say.

“Hm? How do you mean?”

Charles was holding to his tea, without drinking even a bit.

“There a different... possibilities. You can go slow, just reduce the quantity or prolongue the times you go without the serum. Or – this is what they call “cold turkey” in regard to addiction – you´ll stop taking the serum at one point and never take it again.”

Jocelyn stopped and looked at the men.

“Charles?”

He nodded but obviously he had a hard time breathing.

“I´ll either do it at once or never at all.”

Exactly what she had expected him to choose.

“Okay then. When? We need to take some precautions and preparation for this.”

This would get tough. She was a bit frightened, she had the theoretical knowledge, but never had she been with someone through such a situation.

“Tomorrow.”

Charles looked at her from under his eyebrows, pleadingly. She knew what he was thinking, but could not say aloud. Here. Right now. They would have one night together still, one night where he would be like this; charming, adorable, easy. One night to make love. For the last time before everything would change. For the last time forever, maybe. She gulped and nodded to him.

“Okay, then let´s talk about the less pleasant details. Hank, I will need your help.”

Later that evening Jocelyn and Charles were back in his chambers. It did not happen too often, most of the times he had been at her room. She did not know why, she never asked, it had been no question at all. The nights they had spent at her place, but now he wanted to be in his room, maybe he felt more comfortable here with what was to come.

They sat on his bed, both shy now, the situation making both of them so tense. Charles let out a loud sigh.

“Can I tell you this... I´m more in a mood for talking right now. Don´t be offended, love, but just now... I am frightened.”

She moved closer to him, drew his face to her, took it into the palms of her hands. She too felt fear, lots of it, but she had to be strong now, for him. They would get through this together.

“I understand. And I won´t lie to you, Charles: This will get tough. But I said that before: I am here. And I am going to stay. We are in this together. I love you!”

Charles chuckled, his eyes full of warmth and love.

“And I love you, Joss.”

He gave into her embrace and they melted into a sweet, tender kiss. It was one of those desperate kisses, she knew he would still be here after... all that. But he would be another man, maybe he would never be the same again.

“I think the greatest step for me will be to accept all of that myself.”

Charles realized. He tipped his head.

“If these come back...”

He shivered and now his face was distorted from pain. She could only imagine how that felt. No, she even could not even imagine. Overwhelming would truly be an underestimating expression for what he must undergo then.

“I cannot by all means imagine, I feel it must be so hard for you... painful.”

“It´s torture.”

Charles voice was a whisper now, hoarse.

“To feel... everything... everyone. All their... pain. All their... loss. Anger, fear... There are good feelings, too. Yes, but I feel those reaching out for me... they are the minds of those... who are broken.”

“Come here, Charles.”

She knew the most painful part for him would be to let their pain, their agony, their feelings mirror his own pain. His own loss. But somehow this was the one thing he needed to go through. But yes, she understood his fears. She really felt for him.

“Just tell me what you want me to do, okay?”

She tried not to talk about this night as their last one, but it felt like it and he sensed her emotions.

“Can we just lay down for a bit? I just want to hold you and then... phew... then I´ll go and fetch the serum...”

“I can do that for you, Charles.”

“No, I will do it myself.”

Yes, and that would surely lighten up his mood. She had seen the effects; the serum worked pretty fast. But now it was of more importance, as he allowed himself to feel at least a bit of that pain, to let that pass first.

About one hour later the syringe was at the ready.

“Do you want to see that? Can you stand it?”

Charles asked. Obviously he had forgotten their encounter in the bathroom. Surely not the encounter, but it seems as if he had the fact that he injected himself with the serum there wiped off from his memory. Not on purpose. The mind did such things.

“It´s okay. Just make sure you use disinfection first.”

He threw her a strange look but did very cautiously follow her suggestion. As soon as the serum pumped into his veins she could see the effects it had on his body and mind. He looked so much more relaxed from one moment to the next, his face softened and his eyes lit up. He let out a long deep sigh.

“Better. Much better.”

He let his head roll back and just enjoyed the obvious ease and took some time to linger in this feeling. Jocelyn put the tablet with the serum and stuff away, then came back and sat beside him. He opened his eyes and smiled at her.

“Okay, seems I´m ready for the fun part of the evening.”

She giggled and felt nervousness rise suddenly. The whole situation was weird, to see Charles in such different phases within such a short time. His eyes darkened as he looked her up and down as if he was thinking about something.

“What is it?”

asked Jocelyn. He chuckled and cleared his throat.

“I was just thinking... I´d like to try something.”

“Okay...”

She wondered what he had in mind. There was such determination in his voice suddenly, it made her shiver, the whole atmosphere had turned into one of sexual tension within minutes.

“Stand up.”

She did.

“I want you to pull off your clothes. Slowly...”

She already felt chills all over her body, heated chills if that was in any way possible. She started with the buttons at her blouse. Charles eyed her and very obviously enjoyed the sight of her stripping for him. He had his hands behind his head and bit on his lip, while he followed her every move. Cloth after cloth fell down to the floor until she was in her underwear only.

“Sit on the chair. Close your eyes... Relax.”

His low, rough voice turned her on even more. She did as he wished. Sat down. Closed her eyes.

“Spread your legs.”

Jocelyn gasped, whatever it was he wanted to try she was already overly heated. For a moment nothing happened. She waited. Then she felt a soft touch on her thighs. She opened her eyes but Charles was still sitting on the bed watching her with growing pleasure. He chuckled and looked at her more intensely. She heard his voice inside her head:

“Close your eyes, love. And think of what you want to do to me most.”

For a moment she was taken aback. She knew he could do that and it was amazing in a way, but still so strange. It truly felt as if he... oh! His hands were there again, between her legs now, against the fabric of her pants.

“Oh man... you´re already so wet for me. Don´t be shy, darling. I can feel your heat. What is it you would like to do?”

His voice had become more demanding now and so were his fingers. The ghost fingers which weren´t even there for real but felt like that.

“Charles...”

She moaned now. And then her mind answered his without hesitation. It threw images at her, images he would surely see as vivid as they were in front of her inner eye. She was thinking back at that day in the library. How he had been so tempting dragging her hand onto his arousal. Charles coughed.

“Tell me...”

“I want to suck you, Charles.”

She panted, feeling two fingers enter her this exact moment, moving tantalizingly slow. She moaned louder, moving her hips against his fingers. Ghost fingers, she told herself. She heard him open his trousers.

“I want to touch you, I want...”

“You want to get me off like this?”

he asked and she heard him give a deep groan.

“Open your eyes, Joss.”

She did and found herself in the view of Charles who had one of his hands closed around his erect cock, stroking himself seductively whilst holding her eyes with his, his swollen pinkish lips wet from his tongue ghosting over them.

“I want to feel you around me. Come here.”

Now his voice was both in her head and around her for real, she could hear and see him forming the words with his mouth. She tried to press her thighs together. She so wanted him to fill her.

“Nanana... be patient, my love. Come over to me. Let me strip you naked.”

She went over to the bed and stopped right in front of him, trying hard not to attack him, the urge was nearly too much to be kept inside. Then, finally, his real hands were on her body. He opened her bra and cupped her breasts in his hands, giving her nipples just a light flicker which made her shudder and she wanted to pull him close, wanted to press herself into him, but she made herself not to. His fingers were in the waistband of her panties now, lightly touching her skin underneath. She laid her hands on his shoulders and pressed into his skin just gently, _go on – go on – make me.._. He laughed quietly, she was sure he heard her begging in his mind, and yes, how he liked that. Charles let his eyes wander over her body, taking in every inch of her, his fist still clinched hard around his shaft, she could see his knuckles whiten from the strength – he was holding back himself.

Suddenly he dragged her onto the bed without further ado and drew her into a passionate, deep kiss. His tongue entered her mouth and then he was all over her; hands, lips, tongue... gods, his tongue, wet and hot... and she felt the urge getting stronger, she wanted him inside, all of him...

She panted as they loosened their lips from each other and he did, too. She looked at his crotch, she felt a thirst so strong now in her belly and further down – she looked back into his eyes and he nodded.

“Do it now.”

She did no longer hesitate, she bowed down and took him into her mouth.

“Aaaah, fuck!”

Charles gave a grunting sound from somewhere above and his hand was in her hair, gripping around her head, pressing her onto him just a bit. She moaned around him, he was so hot and hard, just felt too good under her lips. She gave him a few fast licks around the swollen thick top and then went down completely. He tasted salty already, and as well as she enjoyed doing this to him, she couldn´t have it any longer now. She shoved his pants and briefs down roughly in one and waited for him to do the rest. Charles stepped out of his trousers and then crawled back up to her.

“Pull my shirt off.”

Man... he was so determined right now, she felt all of her body react to his hoarse voice.

“How beautiful you are...”

As soon as they both were naked he was all over her. They kissed thoroughly and he took the time now to worship her body. His hands were all over her skin, his mouth around her breasts, kissing them gently, then he placed his mouth over her nipples and sucked them in with obvious pleasure, using both his tongue and lips. Her hands were at his chest, touching him tenderly, then she took his nipples between thumb and one finger, rubbing and pinching them just a bit as he liked it so much. Charles moaned as he turned her roughly onto her back and looked her up and down with that dark lusty stare in his eyes that made her skin shiver and sensitive for his touch even more. She felt his crotch over hers, his cock twitching against her stomach and she desperately tried to rub herself against him to get at least a little relief.

“Charles... please...”

“I know... I know...”

He slid lower and adjusted his position until he was between her legs. He panted and huskily whispered words into her ear which made her grab his back and harshly pull him closer. His cock was just lightly moving over her sweet wetness, forth and back, it was just too much. Jocelyn gripped around his bottom, firmly now and tried to push him further.

“Aaah... yes. I will give you what you need.”

Oh, and how she needed him there. He heaved his pelvis up and took his touch from her completely for some moments, just to find want and desire in her eyes and moans all around him. She was wringing herself onto the bed, trying to wrap her legs around him him to get him any closer.

“Charles... please. Make me come. I can´t have it any longer. I want you inside.”

“Exactly what I wanted to hear.”

He laughed and with that sank back onto her body, his lips closing her mouth and then his tongue was between her upper lips and he moved into her down there with just one long thrust. She groaned and bit into his lips out of sheer lust.

“Mmh... fuck, this feels so good.”

Charles slowly began to move. The sensation was nearly too much. She had just adjusted to his size which was indeed impressive and he filled her so perfectly. When he moved out again, she clenched her fingers into the skin of his bottom.

“Yes, Charles, yes.”

He was teasing her, trying to go slow, but she could see in his eyes and feel in his touch, in his whole body movement how much he wanted her and how close he himself was. He buried his fingers in her hair, then he thrusted back into her so hard it made her gasp for air and now he moved faster... pushed harder... thrusting against her wet walls and as much as he wanted this to last forever he just couldn´t hold it any longer.

“Gnnn.. come for me, love. Come now. I´m so close.”

So she pulled him even closer, directed his last hard thrusts, once, twice... he panted and groaned and pushed faster and he looked into her eyes – and then she came. She felt the heat burst into fire inside her groins and screamed. She screamed his name and she pressed herself against him and he felt her walls tighten around him and then his belly convulsed with unbearable pleasure and he came, and she felt his thick warm load inside her and he panted some more, still moving with her through their climax and then he collapsed onto her chest, closed his eyes and stayed there forever.


	6. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets tough.  
> Charles is on withdrawal and being very unfair and aggressive.  
> Jocelyn is on the verge of giving up.  
> Hank has an idea how to contact Erik.

Withdrawal

Jocelyn didn´t sleep well that night. First she couldn´t fall asleep for what felt like hours, then she awoke nearly every hour just to watch Charles in his sleep, as if she needed to check if he was still there. He was. He had no problems sleeping, he was deeply relaxed, whether from the serum or their love-making and he looked so peaceful. She lay beside him, just taking in his features, and the way he so quietly breathed, looking like a baby, free from any worries. It nearly broke her heart and she spent some time crying silently and being grateful for the days they had experienced together. She was just relishing those memories. Finally she fell into a dreamless, rather restless and completely not refreshing sleep. So she felt a bit dull and low the next morning, not a good prerequisite for what was to come.

Charles awoke and already was a bit grumpy. She had expected such, the serum must have nearly loosened up by now, but then it went down very fast.

He was comparatively quiet and nice during breakfast and they spent some time cuddling and kissing in bed, but he was already shivering from time to time, so Jocelyn made him dress up a bit warmer as he was used to. And he did not quite like to be told what he was to wear, it was clear from the way he looked at her. She wondered if it was a good idea to take a walk into the park but decided fresh air would do him good as long as he still could. She tried to smile and they walked along the path beside the fountain.

“Argh, the light is hurting my eyes. It´s much too bright today. Why are we outside anyway?”

“Shall I fetch your sunglasses?”

Jocelyn asked. Charles looked at her rather annoyed.

“Yes. You could have thought about that before.”

She took a long breath in and out.

“We could also just sit under the trees. There´s more shadow.”

“If we must.”

“Come on, Charles. Yes, we must.”

He followed rather unwillingly but he was more at ease when they finally sat there, it was less bright and a bit more refreshing. Quickly Charles started to shiver again.

“Fuck, I´m cold.”

He let his head sink into his hands and she could feel how he was not only physically distancing from her. She tried to take him in her arms but he refused. He had his fists clenched and trembled.

“My legs... fuck... my legs...”

“I´ll call Hank. He can help you inside.”

They hadn´t spoken about the wheelchair. Charles had refused to using it at all up to the last day. And now she had forgotten to bring it along. She just hadn´t taken into account that maybe he wouldn´t be able to walk back.

“Yes. Go. Go to Hank. Just leave me here.”

Charles looked at her and now there was so much anger in his eyes, anger and hate. She had to gulp her tears away.

“What are you looking at? Go and fetch Hank. How could you even forget about this? You both are such a great team. YOU SHOULD GO! FUCK! GO!”

Now he was screaming at her, panting and crying himself. He was holding his hands to his head and she knew the voices were coming back. She felt so bad about leaving him here like this but she really would need Hank´s help for this. At least they were not that far from the house.

When she returned with Hank, both running, Charles was lying on the ground, screaming and shouting indecent words at them and for the first time she had doubts if she was strong enough to stand this.

The day got worse by the hour. Hank had stayed with Charles who had nearly been rampaging through his room until he could no longer hold himself upright and landed on his bed where he fell asleep from one moment to the next.

They alternated shifts at his side and Jocelyn took a break to get herself a bit together before she could face him again. She knew it wasn´t about her, he did undergo such pain and mental stress and he was just kicking around like a wounded animal; and now it wasn´t even on purpose, he just couldn´t control his reaction anymore. It was just that... he had left a mark in her heart and that was hurtful because she felt with him so strongly.

When Charles awoke some hours later, he was freezing badly, he complained about stomach pain and next moment started vomiting. It was hard to go through with, but she stayed with him in the afternoon. He was so restless, his eyes completely red now and teary and he could nearly move at all. He was screaming and cursing a lot, insulted both Jocelyn and Hank of every impossible thought that came to his mind. In between he fell asleep and sometimes they feared he had already transitioned into a comatose state, but he did not. But he was very close and around midnight reached a peak, when the voices in his head became unbearable and he really craved for the serum. Jocelyn had to leave for some minutes and cry, he was so far away from all he had ever been; even those days when he had completely ignored her or nearly harassed her. But this was worse than all she could have imagined before.

She heard shouting from the inside now:

“You abandoned me. You made an alliance...”

That was Charles. Seemed he was accusing Hank of something she could not understand. Words became indistinctive and she tried not to listen too hard, was none of her business anyway. After what seemed like hours Hank came out, looking ill himself.

“What happened?”

“Memories... Came back. Had me mistaken for Erik.”

Hank buried his head in his hands.

“Know what... I am a scientist but I really don´t know how we can properly help him through this.”

“I don´t think this is about science here... This is all about feelings... emotional pain. Did he talk about Erik?”

Hank nodded.

“So what... is there any chance to get him here? I´ve always had this indistinct feeling... that they share a – deep relation...”

She was a bit lost of words. It occurred to her just now that maybe there was more to this than she had thought of before. Hank threw her a strange look, then stood up.

“I´ll better go and get a nap. And that´s what you should do, too. I think this might take a few days more. But I have an idea how we can contact Erik.”

Jocelyn heaved a sigh and then did what he suggested. She looked after Charles briefly; he was deep asleep and felt warm on his forehead, his cheeks were reddened also – he surely would get a fever. So she took her blanket and cuddled herself onto the big chair beside his bed and within seconds drifted into an unsteady sleep.


	7. Old friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles gets better.  
> An old friend appears.  
> Decisions about relationships.

Old friends

Some days passed and as they all felt they just couldn´t go on, like they were on the verge of losing all of their powers, suddenly things passed.

Charles had suffered from a high fever for two days and had not been able to do anything at all, it seemed he was caught somewhere in his own world, he was awake though but did not speak to any of them, he did not eat, even drinking was nearly impossible; both Hank and Jocelyn were occupied very much with getting some liquid into him, tried with tea and water or any other healthy drink, but he denied. Sometimes in between he seemed to “come back”, but he was unbearable then, knocking the glasses out of their hands and shouting again.

“Charles... you really need to drink.”

“Says who?”

“I say so.”

“Fuck off!”

Jocelyn nearly lost it all, she was completely exhausted and could no longer be soft with him:

“You know what? I´m done. I´m totally done. Either you´ll drink now or...”

She was searching for words.

“Or you´ll make me a soup?”

“What?”

She looked at him baffled. Charles smiled. He had not smiled for days. He let out a deep sigh.  
“Can I get soup? I really mean it. Would do me good, I think.”

“Sure. Sure. I´ll get you some.”

She stood up, was at the door already, then went back to him and took him into her arms. And this time he did not refuse.

“I think he is over the worst.”

Hank smiled.

“For what it´s worth. Thanks for being here.”

“And thank you for helping me, Hank. Never thought I would do anything the like before I came here.”

Charles was back in his wheelchair, spending some hours in his study, for the first time after all... this. And for the first time in days he was able to stay there without anyone observing him.

After he had asked for the soup things had changed for the better. He went through a light depressive phase again, where he once more believed Jocelyn and Hank had hooked up and all world was against him. Then the fever came back and he fought a whole night against the voices and all the pain that came with it. And that was it then.

Now he could sleep again, he was way more balanced, he could concentrate on his works once more. And he had finally accepted that he would never be able to use his legs again. But he had survived. And it looked as if slowly his mental powers were returning, too.

And then Erik returned. He just appeared out of the blue. He was a tall man with steel-blue-eyes, a sharp look and he barely smiled. Hank had a long talk with him before Jocelyn and Charles even knew he was there at all.

“And now?”

Jocelyn whispered to Hank.

“Will we tell Charles or do we let them meet – by coincidence?”

Hank shrugged.

“I don´t have a clue.”

“Chrmchrm...”

Somebody behind them cleared his throat unnecessarily loud.

“Charles...”

He looked at them, the slightest hint of accusation in his eyes.

“Is there anything you would like to tell me?”

“Look... Charles...”

Jocelyn gulped but Charles broke into laughter.

“It´s okay, love. I already sensed him. Why do you make such a fuss about Erik?”

Jocelyn could not tell him what she was thinking. That just did not feel... appropriate right now. Charles threw her a strange look.

“Okay. Where is he? I think we might have... things to discuss.”

Hank pointed to the park and next moment Charles rolled outside.

_(Music: Orchard Road – Leo Sayer)_

“Hello, old friend.”

Erik shivered by the sound of his voice. He heaved a sigh before he turned around.

“Charles...”  
They stared at each other for a long time.

“I heard you had some trouble...”

Erik still didn´t dare to smile. He wanted to, he was so happy to see him again. But that would have meant he had to accept how he had missed Charles and how he had failed him...

Charles´ jaw dropped, he stared at Erik unbelievingly and then all burst out of him:

“Trouble? I had... some trouble? You call that TROUBLE? I HAD A FUCKING BULLET IN MY SPINE. JUST BECAUSE OF YOU! “

He was shaking now, his eyes were dark with anger and rage. He had to breathe in and out for some time before he could speak again, and then his voice was barely audible.

“You can be so glad I can´t walk anymore...”

Erik had to close his eyes and even from afar one could see tears in his eyes as he opened them up again. He took some slow steps towards Charles, then knelt down before him, to be face to face with him. He reached out a hand and placed it over Charles´ who just looked at him deeply disturbed, breathing heavily, but then let him be.

“I wish... I really wish I could make you understand... I am so sorry, Charles. How I felt... You know you are like a brother to me, Charles...”

Now Charles pushed his hand away angrily.

“NO! No no no! You are not. And that is not what you´re thinking. Just once, Erik – just once... can you be true to me just once?”

Tears in Charles´ eyes now, Erik´s heart skipped a beat and then he took Charles´ hand and brought it up to his left temple. Looked him straight into the eyes as he prompted:

“Read me!”

And Charles did.

Jocelyn watched them from her window above. She knew that was wrong, the scene between the two of them was of such intimacy - but she could not make herself look away. All that she had suspected had been proven right. And she knew Charles would never get his full strength back – more important full happiness – if without Erik. She heaved a deep sight but she knew what that meant.

After a very long time – and she had not observed any longer after she had made her decision – Charles came back into the house, to her room.

“Hello, my love...”

He was somehow lost of words but he looked changed. She felt a bit of jealousy rise in her chest, nagging at her. How did she like do all the work of those last weeks, survive all that they had been through and now, Erik just returned and Charles looked like – that. She tried to hide her feelings of envy away and went over to kiss him.

Charles held her close and whispered into her ear:

“Thank you!”

She just nodded

“You two discussed... your issues?”

Charles chuckled.

“If you call that issues – yes, I guess we did. Why do I have the impression you know me better than I do?”

She gulped and felt tears coming.

“It´s because I love you so much.”

He kissed her once more and Jocelyn realized neither the way nor the depth of his kisses had changed.

“And so do I. I love you, Jocelyn.”

She still sobbed a bit.

“But...”

Charles shook his head.

“Let there be no “but”. Erik won´t be here forever and all the time. He´s just like the complete opposite to me. Will be away in a few days again.”

He paused for a second and looked at her intensely.

“So... what do you think? Would that be okay for you?”

She smiled under tears now and kissed him fiercely.

“Charles... yes, yes sure. If that makes you happy.”

“It does. Both of you.”

Now it was her time to chuckle. And she could not avoid to laugh. This was nearly too simple to be true, but yes, it was just like that. It was just love. And that was just life.

“So... okay... Will you introduce us then?”

Charles smiled. And now she could see his face enlighten and although he had changed so much, there was still that young man to be seen she had fallen in love with a long time ago. He nodded and then they went out, hand in hand, together into the garden where Erik still stood, waiting for them.

And he smiled.

All was well.

~ The End ~


End file.
